im drinking this country out of the recession.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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