We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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