i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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