I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
