cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
what is it with giant penises always finding me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize