I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
