I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
