I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
