if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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