My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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