at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
