I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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