you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
