I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you win again, gameday.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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