you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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