He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
