I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize