You're my little dorito
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
