Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
