the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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