did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize