now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
