I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
