At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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