Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm at about main and main street
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
