I'm really into asian looking animals
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
