My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
