Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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