If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
