Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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