I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
