I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
