i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
