we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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