I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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