Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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