i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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