I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
