I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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