I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
