i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
