God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
