Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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