I'm laying in your front yard are you home
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
