I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
