I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
