So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
sarcasm needs its own font
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
