I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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