SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
