I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
