I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
