dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
