Say something about gay babies.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
