I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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