so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
