i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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